First Minister of Scotland Alex Salmond has confirmed this morning that all politicians, English, Scottish or otherwise are bastards except him.
Speaking at today’s press conference the SNP leader and Yes vote monger told us “I’m focussing on people who are in the Better together camp but really even those in the Yes camp are bastards as well. Except me that is. And if it is the sovereign will of the people then I will be the only politician in Scotland, scientists will either have to clone new versions of me or enable me to truck on a few hundred years by making me half Dalek like that Davros out of Doctor Who.”
“Cameron. Bastard. Clegg. Bastard. Miliband. Milibastard.” he explained.
“Brown. Bastard. Darling. Bastardy bastard. Me. Not a bastard.” he continued.
“Barak Obama? Barak Obastard more like.” he noted.
“And I know they’re not politicians but if RBS do decide to stay in Scotland I will have their names changed to Royal Bastards of Scotland.” he added.
The Scottish first Minister is also said to be angered at the news that 1970s dance troupe Legs and Co. recently came out in support of a no vote. “An institution such as Legs and Co. should be above the law and remain impartial. The fact that they haven’t makes them a troupe of bastards.
“So you see it’s an open and shut case. The Scottish people must vote yes on the 18th. Otherwise they’re voting for bastards. And anyone who thinks that I’m just as duplicitous, manipulative and self serving as other politicians, is also a bastard. Unless of course I’m wrong and I’m selling a lie in order to further my own career and kudos.
“Even if that were true I would like to see myself as more of a special class of c**t than a bastard.”
