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Atos under fire again as David Cameron declared fit for work
David Cameron has been declared ‘fit for work’ and may lose his £142,500 per annum benefits according to disability denying random benefit allocators Atos. The decision may come as a blow for one of...
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David Cameron “Simpler flat rate pension to keep old people out of restaurants”
The new flat rate state pension has been formulated with the sole objective of keeping old people out of restaurants, according to leaked e-mails between Prime Minister David Cameron and Secretary of...
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Labour “better in a fight” than Conservatives
The Labour party have come out as odds on favourites in the event of a fist fight with the Conservatives, according to recently published data from the Office for National Statistics. A spokesman...
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David Miliband leaves parliament to become train driver
David Miliband is planning to leave parliament to pursue his life long dream of being a train driver a close friend has confirmed to NewsToad. “He’s always wanted to be a train driver and finally he’s...
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David Cameron “You’ll have to winkle us out with a shitty stick”
Prime Minister David Cameron has said the coalition will continue ‘right up until polling day’ in 2015 and has issued a stark message to party dissenters and the British public alike “You’ll have to...
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Falkirk candidate to be decided by punch up
The new Labour candidate for the constituency of Falkirk is to be decided through an old fashioned punch up according to Labour sources. In what is seen to be the biggest test of his leadership since...
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Ed Miliband to ban multiple votes for northerners
Ed Miliband has pledged today to finally end the practice of individuals having extra votes on Labour party matters simply due to coming from the Northern half of England. At present every Labour...
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MPs having a wank in a big pile of cash
MPs will soon be earning enough to be able to have a wank in a big pile of cash according to a new report announced today by the Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority. In a move that will...
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Labour despair as Ed Miliband takes vow of silence and sits in bucket
Senior Shadow cabinet members are said to be highly disappointed at yesterdays decision by Ed Miliband to completely stop speaking, both privately and publicly. A close family source said “It started...
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“Just Bunk the train” says Transport Secretary
The Government has today responded to public dissatisfaction with rail increases with a clear message. “Don’t worry about tickets, you can just bunk the train.” Speaking at this morning’s press...
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Ed Miliband “We’ll tax people who look a bit flash”
A Labour Government will be directing it’s attentions to people who “look a bit flash and give the impression of being minted” according to leader Ed Miliband. In a policy that will be calculated on...
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No reason to live in Britain now it has poisonous spiders
Britain is preparing itself for almost 100% migration following the news that it does after all have poisonous spiders, the only reason that people live here as opposed to somewhere nice and hot. It’s...
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Daily Mail vindicated as immigrant takes all our jobs
The Daily Mail has had to hire extra temporary staff to deal with the huge amount of post containing letters of apology from members of the British public. It appears this morning that despite many...
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Robbie Williams now too old for Radio Two
Radio 2 have announced today that they will be following radio one in refusing to play Robbie Williams on the basis that he is now middle aged and makes everybody else feel old. According to Chris...
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Public epidemic of blokes wearing red trousers
Men who wear red trousers are rapidly increasing in numbers and infiltrating all levels of society according to reports released this week. BRTs as they are commonly known have historically inhabited...
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Ed Balls “We’ll give everyone a job by taxing bad people”
A Labour government will tax all bad people and give every single person a job according to new measures announced today by shadow chancellor Ed Balls. “Nobody likes bad people so it’s only fair that...
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Old people piss their pensions up the wall
Old people throughout Britain are already starting to piss their pension pots up the wall following Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne’s announcement that they no longer have to buy an annuity...
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Nick Clegg “I’m not resigning but I might grow a moustache”
Deputy Prime Minister and Leader of the Liberal Democrats Nick Clegg has confirmed this morning that whilst he will not be heeding calls to step down from either position, he would be willing to grow...
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Osborne “Lifting people out of poverty will be bad for the economy”
Labour’s plans to lift poor people above the breadline by working towards a living wage for all have been slammed by Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne as bad for the economy and unconducive...
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Salmond “All politicians are bastards except me”
First Minister of Scotland Alex Salmond has confirmed this morning that all politicians, English, Scottish or otherwise are bastards except him. Speaking at today’s press conference the SNP leader and...
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